IN Christ I Can Choose Healthy Friendships!

“As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.” Proverbs 27:17 NKJ

“Ointment and perfume delight the heart, and the sweetness of a man’s friend gives delight by hearty counsel.” Proverbs 27:9 NKJ

One of the greatest joys in life is in knowing I have friends who encourage me, build me up, and strengthen me in my times of weakness. They also rejoice with me in times of achievement and they cry with me in times of sorrow. It has taken me several years to build a network of healthy friendships and the process of choosing healthy friendships has been challenging at times. Some friendships I enjoyed I had to release because they were not healthy and I knew if I kept them I would suffer unnecessary wounds as a result. But over time I came to realize that releasing them was the right decision.


I used to choose friendships based on similar interests, common circumstances, and personality. I no longer do that because I have learned that these traits are not the best measuring stick for choosing quality friends. I decided to study Jesus’ life and see how He treated His friends and the people around Him. This became my new measuring stick for choosing quality friendships.

Jesus treated people with compassion, understanding, love, acceptance, respect, and kindness. He built them up and strengthened them to live life on purpose. He didn’t shame them or make them feel guilty when they made bad decisions or when they struggled in their faith. He didn’t belittle people or put them down. He didn’t criticize them or manipulate them. And he never judged them. He loved them, encouraged them and built them up in their faith. His words and actions empowered them!

When I looked at the people in my life who I called friends; there were many people who did just the opposite of what Jesus did. These are the kinds of people I released and these are the kinds of people I avoid when choosing friendships today. But how did I do this and what enables me to continue doing this? The answer is that I began this process with myself before I ever did it with anyone else. I made the decision to become my own best friend! I knew that I couldn’t give away what I didn’t own and I couldn’t expect from others what I didn’t require of myself.

I chose to sit with Jesus during quiet times of reflection and I allowed Him to speak His words of love to me. At first this was very difficult because His words contradicted my feelings about myself in many areas of my life. But over time as I allowed His Spirit to speak to me I became more comfortable receiving His love and encouragement. I learned to own the truth about who I am IN Christ and who Christ is IN me which enabled me to encourage others to do the same.

I understand that we all have flaws due to our own wounds, but the people who allow Christ to heal them won’t inflict the very pain they have suffered, onto other people. When we release our pain and allow Christ to heal us we don’t repeat that pain in our own lives or in the lives of others. This is one of the main things I teach people how to do because it is the key to becoming a true friend and becoming a person who chooses friends wisely. My dad used to say, “Treat people how you want to be treated because you can’t have a friend until you learn how to be a friend.” He was right!

After you have spent time learning how to receive Christ’s love and acceptance of you, you are ready to begin the process of choosing healthy friends. Here is a list of qualities to look for in a healthy friend. They build you up and encourage you with their words and actions. They speak the truth about who God says you are and they help you identify the character traits of Christ in you. If they see you in a time of weakness they do not belittle you or criticize you. They approach you in love and encourage you in the faith. They do not gossip. They are compassionate and loving even when they have to speak correction. They do not manipulate you or others. Their words and actions reflect the love of Christ and they do not make you question your identity IN Him.

My mom taught me a great way to measure these qualities. She said when you walk away from a conversation with a friend and you love God more, yourself more, your life, more, and you feel strengthened, you know you have just left a conversation with a true friend. She was right! I have tested this and found it to be true. I want to encourage you today to spend time evaluating your friendships. Identify the ones that build you up and strengthen you. Take time to thank them this week. Also take the time to identify the ones that make you question your worth and value and ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom so you know if these are friendships you need to release. He is faithful and He will speak to you.

Prayer: Set aside time to spend with the Lord so you can hear His voice speak to you in regards to friendships. If you have not received His Words of love for you, take time each day to sit with Him in quiet reflection of who He says you are IN Him. Pray for wisdom and discernment so you know how to choose healthy friendships or how to release the ones you identify as unhealthy.